Heartache is a funny word, but when you’re in a one way relationship (even a fantasy relationship as such) it really does ache, like a painful pull in your chest and sometimes even a stabbing physical pain.
I’ve had my share of it this year and nearly lost my marbles in the process. I met a totally unsuitable and as my friend loves to say ’emotionally unavailable’ man and I stupidly fell for him. Not gradually but instantly in that kind of rabbit in the headlights sort of way. I didn’t just fall, I bloody well took a running jump. A leap of blind faith. And my was I blind. I was convinced that this was The One, he just didn’t know it yet. But actually I realised he’s not The One he’s just A Some One.
Why this happened I don’t really know. I’m normally pretty sensible and if people start hurting me I drop them like they’re hot. But this was a strong connection, like a Svengali he would pick me up and put me down and even when he insulted me, degraded me and was mean to me I still opened my heart and my door. I became one of those women I pity and don’t understand. How bloody pathetic.
Why I don’t know? I’ve examined it over and over from every angle and all I can say is that I think it boils down to my Dad. I had issues with him when he was alive and he wasn’t the best Dad in the world and often hurt me, but I did adore him. Sound familiar? Also this person has done and experienced some similar things and I think it was a siren call for me. I know he’s toxic and causes me pain and heartache again and again but I can’t help myself. I delete his number only to put it back in again over and over. I’m like a druggie, but love is the drug. And yet it’s not love. It’s abuse.
I decided the only solution is to go cold turkey for the sake of my sanity and so I can clear the path of nettles so Mr.Right can walk up to my door. So how do you get rid of Mr Wrong? You go away and break the chain. I’m doing a Julia Roberts and grabbing my rucksack and passport and I’m off to see some of the world at least for a short while. And just like in South Pacific I hope to wash that man right out of my hair and send him on his way. And I will do plenty of eating (a gastronomic adventure) a bit of praying and probably not any loving, but that’s OK. It’s the experience, the sights, sounds and colours that I need.
I’m counting the days now and I can’t help but wonder if I might just meet my Javier Bardem on the way or fittingly right at the end? How romantic would that be? Then Javier could come back with me and punch the other fellas lights out. “This is for dissing my woman!” kapow….yeah I know violence is not the answer but still it would be very satisfying. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year everyone, love from Miss Kitty xxx