I’m coming up for air….
A couple of months ago I had a light bulb moment. It’s been a long time in the making (just ask my friends and poor worn down Mum) but finally the penny dropped and caused a cascade of emotional coins. I’ve been chasing my tail for far too long.
I realised that I’ve been secretly resigned to being solo, I would moan to my friends that all the good guys are taken, everyone who’s left has baggage, it’s too late for me to find someone, the guys I like don’t want a bar of me… etc, etc. I would say I didn’t want to be alone but I would get involved with men who were unavailable and needed fixing. Like a collector I was drawn to the ones with broken wings and I hoped that by making them feel better, they would fall head over heels in love with me. But it hasn’t worked and I finally figured out why! I am the common denominator here. All I’ve done is moan and bitch about these men (that I have chosen) and their sad inability to love me back. No matter how much I bent over backwards and did triple flips they refused to love me and instead stayed steadfastly attached to a memory of another love. Why? And I suddenly realised that maybe it’s me who’s just as stuck as they are? It is me who is addicted to the melodrama, not them, me, who like a love junkie has been weaving my own little, sad tale of unrequited love. Despite myself I wanted to be in that hole.
Do I pick these men because I’m not really ready to commit even though I say I am? Am I a mirror for my own actions? The more I pursued them, the more they ran away and I shot myself in the process. When I realised this I had a very uncomfortable moment. It’s not nice to see that you yourself are in fact the author of your own destiny and that you have spent months, years even, bemoaning your bad luck, the hopelessness of your situation or even how life is being unfair when in fact all along you were your own worst enemy. The horrid, ugly truth is I pick the men who don’t want me and then I am heartbroken when they don’t step up.
Hmmmm. It was time for a rain check. Time for some tough love. Time for dare I even say it…some self help? I sat myself down and opened an amazing book, it’s a personal development course which has taken me on the most transformative, deep and powerful set of lessons. Exploring all the internal issues and false assumptions that we hold about ourselves that blocks the ability to find and ‘see’ love in our lives, even when it is all around us.
And it’s not easy… a 7 week course of searing honesty, painful admissions, promises and adopting new practices. I am halfway through my journey and I feel like a different person, I am cutting my own steps to get out of this hole. I said goodbye to Kitty the self sabotaging kitten who fed off scraps of affection. Now I am filled with positivity and hope for the future, self confident, centered and weirdly not lonely anymore. I’m seeing a new vision of what I want in my life and this time instead of just wishing it, I am acting it too! Not only that but I’m cleaning out my closets both metaphorically and physically, I don’t want draining, sapping energy anymore, I’m accentuating the positive and eliminating the negative. And strange but true that once you stop fighting, the law of attraction really kicks in and everything starts to flow, springing up in ways that seemed so… well obvious all along! I’ve discovered that sometimes the door to second chances does stays open, as the great philosopher Homer Simpson once said D’Oh!!!