Love is the thing

I once said to someone special that for me and my future happiness ‘love was the thing’, it was a brave but stupid thing to say because it was a hint. A big massive neon, glow-in-the-dark or slap me round the face hint and when I said it I couldn’t look him in the eye because it was directly addressed to him. It was supposed to be a key to unlock the future, but he didn’t quite get it and I lost him to another path.

But this weekend I am remembering that love actually bloody well is the thing, not just for me, for everyone! It is THE key, the master key to everything not just the guy, the girl, but yourself and everything in your life. Strangely I’m finding love all around on my solo road trip. Bring on the cheese! But ’tis true!

Everything I’m doing and seeing is with love, be it love for a new day, love for the washed up debris of a storm, love for a delicious mussel and lamb dinner with the best soundtrack in the background, love for a perfect wake-up coffee, a good read, my own pleasant company, a soft seductive Pinot noir (at lunchtime no less!) or a crisp Sauvignon blanc, a brisk salt-air walk, an amble through old streets and charms, a chat with the old lady who’s attending a Jehovah’s Witness wedding or sharing stories with another lone traveller along the way.

I’m completely on my own on this trip, barring my loyal, lovable canine companions and yet strangely I don’t feel alone at all. I am quite happily dining in the best restaurants all by myself with nothing for company but my thoughts, best perfume, underwear and a good book. And yes I am making an effort… for myself! And I’m not self conscious at all, in fact I’m celebrating and loving it! I do get some odd looks but I don’t care – I really can do what I want.

I feel loved by a caring Universe. I feel happy to be me and have all my best choices ahead of me. Left, right, single, coupled, stop, go, baby, no baby. I am free to do what I please and achieve what I want and I guess after all that is something special at this age. Well it’s the first time I’ve seen it that way. So I’ll try and have no more panic attacks at being left behind, no more doldrums, no more self pity, no more poor me. Instead I’m going to say love is the thing and enjoy the journey and if you’re lucky enough I might just share some of mine with you!

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Love signs

Hi honey I’m home… and I’m feeling more buoyant than ever!

What is it about 2014? I don’t know but I’ve got a feeling it will be a vintage year and not before time. Out with the old and in with the new? Really I’m a dog woman but even I’m feeling lucky in this Year of the Horse. Maybe I am a true Saggitarian after all – the gambler of the zodiac?

A very wonderful woman came into my life recently – a laid back, spiritual Californian with a bent for Feng Shui. Yes darling I’ve been feng’d – or more appropriately my life and house have been tuned and tweaked to find the right ‘happy’ vibrations. She pointed out that my entire decor and interior feel was channeling situations that have been occuring in my life “did you know your house is full of single women and groups of women in threes?”. She shoots from the hip this lovely American… and blow me down if she isn’t hitting the proverbial on the head. My artwork, objet d’art, magazines are all clusters of threesomes or instead solemn looking lonely women. No wonder I’ve been miserable, lonely and trapped in a non moving, love triangle with a guy who has three women in his life.

Three’s a crowd but two’s company, so I’ve done my homework and turfed out all my trios and singles and brought in the cavalry – the ‘twos’. Everywhere you look now I have cosy, comforting, canoodling pairs. Lovebirds and hearts rule at my gaff! And that’s not all this spiritual angel did she also took the time, care and love to prescribe me a room by room remedy for last year’s malaise and I am taking my medicine!

Strangely somehow things are getting lighter and brighter. I’ve been noticing odd, little things too, small signs and indications. They appear randomly but have a common strand. Roses are a big theme – how delightful of all the possible signs – the symbol of first love, romantic love, eternal love. I’m seeing, uncovering or receiving them everywhere! I got two red roses in one week followed by a bouquet with pure, white roses the following week (all from different people) then rose scented gifts, rose inspired artwork, rose tattoos, rose signage and rose names all around. Strange but true. It seems a rose by any other name is actually an incurable romantic!

How weird and yet how fitting? So thank you to my own lovely Californian rose for opening my eyes again to what’s around and tuning me into the universe’s telepathy! Dare I say that if the love signs are to be believed I think that something this way comes?

Miss K x

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Learning to smile again

Hello you, I’m sorry I’ve been away so long but you see I’ve been on an emergency hetox.

Yes, no men, no dating, no online, no nothing. Just me and a long, hard look in the mirror. It was really lonely and horrible to begin with and then it got easier and more normal and almost in the end dare I say it even enjoyable. I’ve got my mojo back.

I’m ashamed to admit I’ve had an unhealthy addiction to one particular guy this year. I laboured for 8 long months under the tortured impression that he loved me, that we were star crossed lovers, that our timing was wrong, that he was trying to find his way to me. I opened my heart and he never looked, I waited and he never came.

Bottom line? He’s just not that into me. When I finally faced this harsh fact it was sad but liberating. I don’t want to be anyone’s dirty little secret, a fancy on the side, I deserve to be celebrated and cherished.

So I’m proud to say this sister finally dug deep, found some good old fashioned gumption and went cold turkey. I broke the lovesick habit, and now I see what a waste of energy and love it’s been. Energy and love I need for myself.

Like attracts like and now that I’m centered again, fate has stepped in and surprised me. I found a truly nice, gentle, caring, sexy man. He’s been there all along but I couldn’t see him, his energy was blocked and overshadowed. But something magic happened and here we are. I am living in the moment again not in a fantasy in my head. He makes me feel happy and that today is a simple, precious gift.

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Heartlines

I feel really good today. To sum it up there’s a Florence and The Machine song called ‘Heartlines’ and it goes like this:

“But in order to get to the heart, I think sometimes you have to cut through.

Just keep following the heartlines on your hand, keep it up I know you can, just keep following the heartlines on your hand, cause I am.”

This song speaks to my roots, dripping in Celtic harps and drums, driven by Flo’s amazing voice and the vivid lyrics which conjure my homeland: rivers, tumbling stone and overgrown castles.

Its beautiful imagery makes me homesick or as we say in Welsh it gives me ‘hiraeth’ meaning a longing for the ‘Motherland’. But it also speaks to me on another level, it whispers to my inner druid. Call it mumbo jumbo if you will but I truly believe in spirituality and serendipity and I’ve finally decided to obey my heartline too.

It means conceding happily for once to leave my future to destiny. I already closed down my online profile two weeks ago and this weekend I said a sad goodbye to the lovely, gentleman scaffolder I met speed dating. He was one of The Good Ones, I knew it when we met but a month in and my spark was still damp.

I’m clearing the decks. To explain, I went to a new tarot reader recently and spookily picked the same cards as 6 months ago, the same reading, chapter and verse. I drew the Star, the Two of Cups, the Sun and the ‘wish’ card – the Nine of Cups.

I’m told I will learn to love myself first and then meet my version of the famous tall, dark, stranger abroad and only when the time is right. No matter what I do, it’s in the stars. The only travelling I have planned is homeward bound to ancient, misty Wales at Christmas. It’s a long way away and who knows what the future holds or if the cards are playing fair?

But in the meantime I’m going to enjoy hanging out with my girlfriends, being single, being selfish and following my own heartline to wherever it takes me. Because surely I’ve tried enough to no avail? Now I’m just going to relax, no more dates for tired, disappointed me.

As Florence says maybe the dog days are indeed over?

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This is a shout out to all my ladies (D.J. Miss K in da house!), my sisters in arms who step with me shoulder to shoulder along my pathway to… well to whatever lies in store? I salute you and thank each and everyone of you beautiful troopers from the bottom of my misshapen heart.

When the chips are down, when I’m out for the count, when the tears are pouring they step in, unsummoned, with flowers, wine, tissues, chocolate, reassuring nods and unconditional support. I may be unlucky in love and pick the wrong guys but at least I scored the four leaf clover with my girlfriends.

They say you know who your friends are when the shit hits the fan, by God I’ve had so much shit hit the proverbial, my girls all wear jumpsuits and galoshes…pink of course! One particular lady, she knows who she is, is my Gibralta. Always there no matter what. Any time, day or night with a splash of the hard stuff, a warm and ready hug and some sage advice. She has a heart of pure gold and a generous spirit, my Maori-Manchester kaitiaki. I shelter under her strong umbrella, you mess with me you mess with my adopted big sister!

And it wouldn’t be right to give a nod to the sisterhood that props me up and keeps me marching through the daily grind of celibacy without standing to attention for the one who made it all possible. And yes, I know I should have listened from the start… and yes, I know you know best….. and yes, I know you wish you had a fairy wand…. but hey I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t test your limits – you are an inspirational warrior queen and I love you Mum.

As someone who was bullied at school and spent the best part of my teens and twenties trying to recover, I can tell you that the greatest gift actually is true friendship in all its many glorious shades, because even meeting your soul mate is just finding the best friend that you happen to love too.

So ladies… next time, let me toast you all with one for the road and hope like hell the highway has been recently tarmaced!

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Love tonic

As I said it has been one of the bleakest weeks in my romantic life, but I have to confess that I discovered someone on Friday who has single handedly reignited my faith in romance.

We’ve had a whirlwind weekend together and I even as I sit here in my kitchen typing and sipping flat champagne he’s here. We’ve had long walks, been to the supermarket, had dinner, had a romantic candlelit bath and even gone to bed together. Hussy that I am. We’ve hardly been apart all weekend long and even my best friend loves him.

He makes me feel good about myself, makes me skip along and do impromptu salsa dancing when I’m out walking the dogs, he makes my spirits soar and he let’s me believe that love is out there again for me.

Have I been too quick to replace my long lost beardie with this smooth skinned, sharp suited charmer? Probably, but then again he is the perfect man, he doesn’t answer back, calls me baby, tells me I’m beautiful and serenades me when I’m down. And I’m not selfish,  I can share…. his name is Michael Bublé and his new album is my iPhone ear candy.

Thanks Michael, I still believe xx

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The way you wear your hat

Well I got my answer and a big serve of what I deserve… waiting it seems is a fool’s game. Since I last shared I’ve ridden a rollercoaster only to end up right back where I started. I’ve been treated bad and let down but it’s a familiar road to me now. The ex triumphed in the end. Again.

Romance is dead and even though for a while I was Sleepless in Christchurch, there was no boy meets girl, happily ever after.

I’ve been lying low, re-stitching my seams and wondering what’s the point?  Being honest, being true to your feelings, getting up just to get slapped down again and again. Am I supposed to be learning a lesson? Huh! In which case the lesson can only be never love, never trust, never dare to hope. It’s not worth it for all the pain.

But then tonight I put on some cheesy old school crooners while I had a bath and a good cry and I listened to those golden, heartfelt lyrics from a time when men were men and women were breathless and smitten. It was all so seductive and I realised that I can remember why it’s all worth it. It’s that feeling you get when there’s someone there to share your day with, to kiss, to hug, to hold hands, to share food and laughter, it’s simply to love and be loved. And I may be disappointed and sour right now but there’s a flicker there. You know what? It cheered me up that little optimistic bubble in my stomach.

So I’ll hold my chin up high because at least I tried right? I don’t wake up thinking what if? I stood up, was counted and tried to raise my flag. As the Gershwin song goes “we may never, never meet again on this bumpy road to love, still I’ll always, always keep the memory of…”  in my case the way his hand shook when I held it.

I guess the lesson is you can take the girl out of the romance but you can’t take the romance out of the girl. Peace out x

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